It’s been two months since I last posted anything on this site. It came down to one very simple reason, and something I wasn’t sure I would be comfortable sharing on this site. It’s personal after all and while I do talk about some personal things on here, I should be sharing anecdotes about films, video games and music. While I have done all those things in the last two months, there is nothing I really feel like sharing about it, at least not yet.
So what happened? My mom died. She was just 69 years old, 3 weeks shy of her 70th birthday, and it still hurts to even talk about or say the words nearly a month to this day. I feel somewhat fortunate that despite her being several states away that I did see her in the last three months of her precious life. But I think there are several factors behind the normal life and death consequences that crush me down to my soul.
One, she arguably contracted COVID from the trip or shortly after visiting me. Initially, I blamed myself. Not that I gave her COVID, because I wasn’t sick before or after she left. But because I didn’t feel worthy of being visited. I work tirelessly every week and provide the best I can for my wife who has to stay home and provide help to my son who can’t get sufficient help from the public school system. Literally, nothing exciting happens to me. I am not worthy of my parents, nor their love. Just some idiot who decided to get married for the third time and have his first kid shy of his 40th birthday. This is what I told myself and my depressive state. I didn’t want to live.
Later on, I stopped blaming myself (mostly anyway). My frustration was not at the unvaccinated as my mom had actually been vaccinated for four plus months when she contracted the disease. After all, if the vaccine actually works, then what she does need to worry about. Strike one. Then, like many I believed that if she were to get a breakthrough case, the symptoms would be mostly mild. Strike two. Somehow, the idea of my mom peeing and worse in her own bed and not understanding the world around her as this disease took hold of her and never letting go does not come across as mild.
Finally, at some point my mother was allowed and taken into the nearby hospital. Convincing my mother to go to the hospital was another discussion all together. Eventually she was taken against her will. That aside, I then fell into the trap of believing the overall theory, oh she was vaccinated, surely she won’t die. Strike three. She died roughly two weeks after entering the hospital. Hooked up to a ventilator, four rounds of dialysis (since her kidneys were failing), and failure to respond took her in and dealt the inevitable.
I certainly don’t blame the hospital either. They did the best they could with her and gave her adequate care. Though with the rules the way they are, I wasn’t allowed (nor was my dad) to see her. The farthest I got was a letter or two which she couldn’t even respond to. Facetime (which my dad did attempt) would have been too painful from what he described.
My frustration, sadness, anger all balled up in one was at the disease and at the government/world. My mother as I did to that point believed that this glorified medicine would keep my mother safe. That’s what the media, the government told us. Go get vaccinated, and everything will be fine. Lies. At least have the damn guts to tell us what it really is, medicine and hope. Nothing more. And for some people, that’s probably enough. My dad, also vaccinated is just fine (minus the sadness and also blaming himself). But my father is tougher than just about any man I’ve ever seen walking this great green earth. My mother was much more delicate.
I am not going to get into a long discussion about the politics of all of this. It’s not worth it, and people ultimately will believe what they want to believe. There is one thing that it really does come down to though. Follow the money. Those who have become richer since this pandemic started are the true criminals and the ones who have robbed us all. Through power and manipulation, they have conned their way into making themselves richer and us poorer in not only money and lives lost, but also of happiness, friends, and belief that this world will be better.
So go get the shot, or don’t. It really doesn’t matter to me, do what’s best for yourself or unfortunately as we have seen lately, what the government might mandate you to do. But we aren’t saving others or even ourselves. In truth, we are all just hanging on the best we can. For at least a while longer. Damn it, I miss my mother.
Hi Michael…. I just read this post about the loss of your sweet mom. I am so sorry for such a tragic loss. I could feel the pain as I read through your words. It sounds like you were very close to her. I am sure she is so proud of you and the family you have made.
I hope you focus on the fond memories of her and celebrate her life as you and your wife raise your precious son. The pain of grief , for me, does not go away . But time helped me to manage the grief. Every morning I get to chose to make my day positive or to be depressed. My husband definitely would want me to chose positive. I pray you have peace. God bless you and your family.