July 14th, 2013

In the immortal words of Led Zeppelin, it’s been a long time since I rock and rolled.  There is one huge reason for this which I will shortly explain inside this blog post.  Sadly, it’s not laziness or even because I was trying to complete some game.  Work is not even all that bad, except for the fact it has become very frustrating and hard to focus on because of the other thing.  Before we step into this post, let me just say Life…is a very strange beast and deep down I don’t think I will ever figure it out.  My only hope is that we at least reach a compromise. 

Quick Hits

For those who care about the little things in my life, I’ll go over them quickly before we get to the meat of this article.

I think I might have mentioned this, but I acquired a Kindle Fire HD recently.  Pretty good tablet for the most part, the only thing that bugs is that it feels so grounded.  I can not even change the background unless I root the sucker.  Unfortunately, I have no plans to root it until the warranty is up which is in a year.  I have downloaded plenty of free e-books and apps.  Most of the apps I have messed with are geared towards my writing and I have found a couple of great apps (and free as well) that will store my writing and I can access it from just about anywhere which is nice.  It is kinda funny that the one app I did pay for turned out to be something of a bust.  Also, purchased a blue-tooth keyboard for the kindle which will do nicely when I am in a place without a pc and really need to type out an idea.  Sure, it is not the best thing in the world, but in a pinch, it will do.

Speaking of writing, I have started my first chapter of my Shadowrun novel and I’m about 2-3 pages in.  I like the direction it is going, I just have to get there.  I know that is not really much progress in light of things but it is something which means I certainly have not given up on the idea.  By the way for those reading this article, the prologue is still up and always looking for comments on that.  I am also scribbling down other ideas and have come out with some weird but interesting ones.  Nothing I really want to write about yet though.  But we will keep working at it.

The only video game I have really played in the last month is sadly Lego Lord of the Rings.  I have beaten story mode and have been working on and off at getting 100%.  I am currently sitting at 86.6% as of last night.  I am certainly getting close.  I keep waiting for the inevitable glitch that almost always seems to happen when I get in the 90’s percentile.  I only really stuck it out with the Harry Potters when it comes to Lego.  Lego Batman, beat it, got to 100%, one achievement left because of a damn glitch.  Lego Star Wars, never felt like doing the ridiculous & silly Time Trials.  The Potters had plenty of glitches, the problem was that I was ridiculously stubborn.  Based on recent events, I’m not sure I will be that stubborn for this.  Just not sure it is worth it to 100%.  Beat sure, we all play games to beat them, but beat it to death is another matter.

Life, A Very Personal Look

In this blog, I usually take a look at the materialistic views of my life or aspirations.  A usual blog of mine will have video games, movies, writing, and maybe a pinch of music or something else to pass the words and phrases by.  I don’t dive into my work (for obvious reasons, but really there is little point to sit here and lament about a job that I do simply because I’m good at it and get paid decently when there are so many others without vocation) and I don’t touch my personal life, cause well its personal.  However, the latter boundary is one I’m crossing today, at least a little.

I am currently on my second marriage.  My first marriage was unfortunately awful.  All we ever did was fight with each other and we were completely opposites from day one.  I should have known it was an awful marriage long before it was dissolved but the problem was that I thought that was how marriage was supposed to be.  One where you fight all the time and just carry on day by day.  See…My Parents.  Yeah, they have been married 40 years, and even though it has mellowed some, they don’t really like each other all that much.  But deep down, I don’t think they could ever live without each other either.  Which kinda scares me since I am an only child and I am concerned about the day one of my parents leave this earth.  But we can write another article about that another time.  Back on topic.

My second marriage I have mentioned here and there, but by and large I don’t talk about it because until six months ago, we (or at least I was) were completely happy.  I love my wife absolutely and without question.  However due to complex reasons I will not explain here, my wife of three years (and been together for 6) has decided to leave me.  If we had to sum it up in one PC generic reason, it was simple: Lack of Communication.  On both sides.  I will certainly take as much blame as possible, but if I had understood how far this reached earlier in the relationship, then I do truly believe in my heart something could have been done about it.

The funny thing was that even a few weeks before my wife called it quits, we had started to attend couples therapy. The therapy was unfortunately worthless and a case of way too little, way too late.  Even six months ago when some real problems started to crop up, changes could have been made and we would have had a chance.  The truth is even if she came to me and wanted to work it out, I would listen and do everything I could to make it work.  But it’s too late and that’s sincerely what hurts.  She is an amazing girl, and above all I just wanted to be part of her life, wherever it took us.

So, now I sit here with my wife away for the weekend and a pile of her boxes, packaged and ready to go.  Papers have not even been drawn (not that I’m in a true mind to do so just yet) and my heart is completely broken.  My concept of marriage or love for that matter is forever trashed and if you had to ask me right here and now, I don’t want to date, I don’t even want to have “relations”  and I certainly don’t want to marry anybody else for the rest of my life.  Really, what’s the point?  All, so I can hurt somebody else or have them hurt me?  No thanks.  It really sucks to think that my wife I wanted to be forever, that I gave everything to (heart, soul, mind, money, etc) is going to walk out the door very soon and most likely will never return.

Sorry, give me a moment here..I am still as you can tell having a hard time with this.  Very little of what I have experienced in this relationship over the last six months has made much sense and I have no idea what to do about it going forward except, to just deal with it.  Maybe we can take this blog a little different direction and maybe some of you can understand a little bit more about me.

As a person, I am introverted.  I have friends, I talk to people but by and large I just do not get along well with the average person.  And by average person, I am talking about the married couple with two kids and a dog or that pack of single guys/girls  who just want to go out to the club and party until they are drunk by dawn.  I am not that guy (which seems to be important in this state) who wants to talk about hunting or fishing.  I can usually handle a sports conversation pretty well, but I’m not a homer for Texas sports either (my heart is in Philly sports for the most part), so that is another strike against me.

Who am I?  I love movies, I love writing, I love gaming and that’s what I enjoy talking about.  I am the guy who is so incredibly talented at what he does, but the truth is nobody wants to hang out with me.  Very few of my so called local friends would ever take the time to listen to me tick and even fewer would dare acknowledge me as a friend in front of others.  “Yeah, I know that guy, he’s good with computers, he can write, or he is a work friend.”  I get that a lot.

I do not expect anybody reading this to take pity on me, that’s not what this is about.  I am not going to cause harm to myself or anything that silly.  That’s not going to happen.  But I am starting to slowly get what this world is about or rather what it isn’t about.  And it is not kind.  In fact, it is quite the opposite.  It is a very harsh world crowded with soccer moms, entitled assholes, baby boomers, people who want to tell me how to live, gen Y, gen X, gen who gives a royal fuck, and people that simply lie to get what they want.

For those extremely few who read this and go now wait a second, he does not seem like such a bad guy, he seems pretty cool, you can friend me on Facebook (or might already have).  But by and large if somebody is to read this and completely dismiss me or just think to themselves, he’s just being Michael…then you probably fit into one of the categories that I have trouble with.

So, that certainly leaves me at a crossroads.  Apparently without a wife, and without a family (no kids, but the idea of a husband and wife with some cats truly sounded wonderful to me).  I am not sure where to go, but I hopefully still have time to figure out how to get there.  I hope I do…and I hope I find some people out there to enjoy that with.  I just think it is going to be an extremely long time before I let somebody into my heart.

Final Thoughts

So that’s it, and if there is anybody at all that is still reading this blog, I thank you…regardless whether you are that friend or two that I do cherish, somebody who just ran across this, or my soon to be departed wife (who I still love deeply in my heart).  It is hard expressing myself like this personally.  But it was deeply necessary and things that needed to be said.  Feel free to leave comments at the bottom if you so desire.  Take care and have a great week.