Well I am sitting here on a Friday night listening to a little Pet Shop Boys (*deep voice* “West End Girls”). This has been a very long week full of ups and downs. It started out on some of the most unappealing of notes but somewhere along the way it actually became good again and that is where I am bound and determined to keep it as long as humanly possible. Yeah, there is something for those who follow this blog on at least a semi-continuing manner haven’t heard…positivity. Quick, go inside while you still can.
Divorce
So, I got divorced on Tuesday officially. To be honest, I was not doing very well on Sunday or Monday for obvious reasons. I was very nervous and heck if a few of you read my Facebook posts, I was not in a very nice place emotionally. I wanted companionship and somebody to talk to in the worst way but even though there were some friends who would have been okay with it, it was not necessarily fair to them. I have some really awesome friends though, not many of them…but the ones I have I truly treasure. Anyway, I’m off topic.
Tuesday divorce…8:30 in the morning, Brazoria courthouse. Get there about 8:15…apparently Sarah been there like an hour ahead because she left too early. Hey, the woman wanted to get divorced what can I say. So I see her there, I make pleasantries and to be honest we did the whole thing together. I could have been a big douche about the sucker and she could have been a bitch but it wasn’t like that. We sat together, we made small talk, that kinda thing. Though I will admit, I am not entirely sure what she was dressed for. Well, okay..my ex-wife is a very expressive dresser when she wants to be. But I always thought there was a dress code of sorts for the court room. Black knee high boots, low cut blouse, multi colored purse I don’t believe are in that code.
I digress. I just expected something a little more conservative, that’s all. I went with the black dress shirt, black & grey tie, gray slacks and black dress shoes approach. Anyway, we are sitting there, and the first two-three cases are the typical uncontested divorce thing and the it goes pretty smoothly. A couple of things I noticed, first, if you don’t have a lawyer, at least have the sense to have all of your documents in order. You only need a few things when you come to a uncontested divorce. 1)the Decree, most people don’t screw this up, but you never know. 2)VS-165 form, filled out. Not hard, unless you have children, honestly. 3)Waiver of service if your spouse does not want to attend. That’s about it. Now it is helpful if you have an evidence sheet to read in front of the judge but they will step through the questions if you don’t.
The other thing I noticed at least while I was there…all of the petitioners were male. Do women just not file for divorce or what? Now, while I did the right thing and acted as petitioner on our case, truthfully Sarah was the initiator (I just went with it once I realized she was right) Which makes me wonder percentage wise how often the male is considered the petitioner. I would think like 2/3rds, just being honest. So, we had the three cases, and then #4 was actually a real heartwarming case. It was an adoption for a little boy (since this is family court, this falls in the same category) and it was so wonderful to see the mother, the father that was adopting and the child share a happy moment of bliss. I honestly wish the best for them. It was very nice. It was a hard act to follow.
So then came our case. Sarah follows me up there, and I make mention to the judge (since Sarah was the first spouse to accompany any of the petitioners that day) that this is my soon to be ex-wife and that she is here as an observer. The judge politely nods and makes the wisecrack (but funny) of “Oh your soon to be ex-wife, well we will see about that” It was in complete sarcasm, but not mean spirited at all. I politely apologized, and said “That is very possible your honor.” He swore us both in, and then I go through my little script as the judge calls it. Which to be honest was the best thing he could have called it. I went into full acting mode and recited my lines perfectly. To be honest, I was not michael, nervous wreck who was scared to get divorced, I was going through a read-through like college all over again.
Once I was done, he asked us a few questions to both me and Sarah, looked over the documents and then pronounced us divorced. He wished us the best of luck and it was very somber I will admit. I would like to say there was not a dry eye in the house, but to be honest, the only people in that courtroom to me at that point, was myself, Sarah and the judge. The people behind us, I never looked at from the moment I got up there to the moment we left. Anyway, Sarah and myself walked out…exchanged goodbyes, a hug and went our own separate ways. I went home, stayed to myself until the afternoon pretty much and then played a marathon of Diablo 3. Bad ass game, but that’s not what this blog was meant to be about :).
However, I do want to express thank yous to people who did call me, write me, or otherwise said hi during that day. (If I forget somebody, I am very sorry). To Lori, Mindy, Karen, Celeste, Lisa, Todd C, Will, Jeff and yes my parents even, thank you. I realized that even though I felt alone, I was truly not which leads into our next section.
Realization
In the second part of this week, I came to a giant and good realization. Well, not just one realization, a few actually. Once it happened, something happened to me, almost a little magically. I smiled again, truthfully and knew that I had been given a life once again. Let me explain. Before I start, this is not a burn on my ex, Sarah. But it is the truth. The truth was that before I got divorced, I was dying inside. Emotionally, all my feelings, passions, my day to day aspirations were fading away. Physically, it was showing up too. I was having weight issues, my stomach was absolutely torn up inside and I could feel myself shriveling until there would have been nothing left.
I was truthfully dying and I am not exaggerating. If that trend had continued, I would have not lasted five more years, I would be sealed in a casket somewhere. That might come as a shock to some, but I believe that. For years during the marriage, I had wondered why I was tired all the time. I was being drained away. Now, before some people go overboard, I am not comparing my ex-wife to a soul sucking vampire. But it is true that my ex and her unfortunate emotional state got to me. It was certainly not overnight or triggered by any specific event, but it happened over time. Eventually my life was consumed by taking care of Sarah and trying to make sure her every whim was taken care of. To a point where it could have killed me, and I never would have saw it coming.
Again, I could lay the blame at her feet and I know some of my friends would gladly do that. But I blame myself for the most part. I let her get to me. That is a pretty sad thing to think about. We were not good for each other. Then another event happened that made me realize it that much more. The Chili Cookoff on Thursday. This is one of those work events that I will talk about because of a significant event that happened, at least for me.
This year, the company I work for had their 6th annual Chili Cook Off, yum yum chili. Except my stomach which is torn up remember is not going to able to stand all of these different types of spicy food. Even being on probiotics and over a week into a prevacid cycle, I was concerned. I had tested the waters with a little pulled pork that morning thanks to a very wonderful friend/engineering manager who brought breakfast. It is amazing how Hawaiian rolls help sweeten up spicy food, but I digress.
To make a long story short so we can get to the meat of this discussion, the chili went pretty well. I had small amounts of each chili and enjoyed it. My stomach paid a small price for the event, but overall, it was a positive adventure. That’s the food side, the psychological side needs some explaining. A little background, but I have always been an introvert. I am not good with crowds unless I am performing in front of them (karaoke, teaching, stage work). But when I am performing as explained previously, I am not always Michael….I am usually picturing myself as somebody else. So it is much easier.
During the years I was with Sarah, I was actually regressing with crowds. I was scared to go anywhere near them and would often have to position myself in such a way so that I make sure to not notice them. It was bad, but I never realized how bad it was until this week. I was talking with one of my best friends and asked her how I did with last year’s cookoff. She then replied, Michael, you didn’t go last year..you did not want to deal with the crowds. I had completely forgotten that. I realized that, what the fuck was wrong with me, and then I started to get it. I was forsaking my own enjoyment, my own friends, my own fucking life for a marriage that I was struggling so hard to keep together. No wonder I was tired. Hell, I am surprised I wasn’t dead.
That is when it all hit me. I am a good person, I have some pretty awesome friends (that I never want to know what it is like to not be around them ever again), and you know what, as easy as it would be to bash my ex-wife, there is a good heart in there. But we were clearly killing each other. We needed different types of people around us, both good in their own way, but very different. So something had to give. I am just glad that we have the rest of our lives to find that happy place. And I am slowly finding mine.
Now, I have had people suggest go find a dating website and in some not so kind words, go get yourself some. I did make a profile, and then I looked at quite a few girls. Some seemed nice, overwhelming though I didn’t want to jump in at all and I have messaged none to date. I know that might lead to some lonely Friday and Saturday nights, but I am oddly okay with that. In addition, I think that is going to be mostly temporary. The friendships I am making are becoming stronger with every passing week and just maybe one of those friendships someday could turn into something more. And that, my friends would be the best and most treasured gift of all. That’s what I want, and I think that has been what i should have been looking for instead of spending the last 15 years doing who knows what when it comes to relationships. It clearly was not working and it left me only feeling miserable.
Final Thoughts
So I hope you have enjoyed a little trip to some reflections and events of my past week. I am in a very good place and again I play to stay there. A special thank you goes to the people that are a part of my life, I appreciate each and every one of you that I call a friend and much like a few of you have been here for me in the last year, I promise to be there for you as long as you need me. I am sorry that I was in a dark void and couldn’t see the hands trying to help me out. Thankfully, I did get out, and I can live again. But this time, I need to make sure to keep those friends close by and appreciate life. Take care and kids may you find happiness in what you do.
WOW – You have matured. Glad I was around to be there for you and glad you decided to stick around. 🙂 I always will be all you have to do is ask.