It is a couple of hours before the midnight hour and for some reason despite writing 3 reviews (2 of them published up on Upcomingdiscs.com, 1 scheduled for next week) and having one more to write tomorrow, I still do not feel like that is enough. This blog is going to be similar to the one I wrote about a month ago. Basically a personal one where I just spill out words on a page. No video game highlights (all I am doing is playing a game called Crackdown which I am about 2/3rds through the main story), no movies (my reviews are up, but I did watch Mud which was actually quite good), just me. Enter at your own risk.
Thursday afternoon, my wife officially left the house for good. The petition was filed on Tuesday, terms negotiated and agreed, and all that jazz. I get to wait two months and then the district clerk to get the date officially set. I guess they do that since a petition is so ridiculously easy to file and often people do see the error of their ways and reconsider. Honestly, $250 bucks isn’t much if it means you can reconcile with your spouse instead. However, I know better than to expect her to come back. Even if she had a change of heart, she would be too damn stubborn to actually come back.
Nope, she’s off to culinary school in a few days and then I guess after completing the next three semesters she’s leaving this ole state of Texas. I can’t say I blame her, if I had actually some place to go that wasn’t my parents, I probably would leave here too. I like my house, I like my few friends, but honestly there is way too much pain here and that goes a long way. Now, this is not to say I have given up, I am just not sure what exactly to do next.
While, we are on the subject of my friends, this week made it very obvious that there are people out there who do care for me. People that I actually didn’t really think gave two shits about me. I went to work on Friday after I got my Jetta’s maintenance taken care of. It was not a typical friday’s worth of work, I got in about four hours in which I basically caught up on the several hundred pieces of email I had from my vacation off. (Which was not a vacation at all but more on that later).
But going on Friday actually turned out to be a good idea, the people who were there were actually happy to see me. And it was genuine happiness like how the hell are you? Even one of my co-workers (and close friend) who wasn’t there decided to talk to me by phone for a good fifteen, twenty minutes once she realized I was actually at work and to make sure I was doing okay since she was concerned about me. The strange circumstances kinda continued as well when I went out to lunch with one of my friends to Whataburger and he then proceeded to sort of say fuck it afterwards and take me to Fry’s even though he didn’t even buy a thing. He sure the hell didn’t have to. I was just sort of mentioning it as something to do.
For that he deserves a hearty thank you. Heck, last Saturday I went out with my friend Will (also from work) to go see Wolverine and go look at a bunch of comics, books, and even a few games over at Half Price Books, Bedrock Comics, and Game Over in Webster. I had an absolute blast. My job for as much hardship as I have been through has really shown that there are true friends there. People who don’t judge me, people who don’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do. People who are just there for me. I am honestly not used to that. And in a time where I am absolutely dieing inside, it is a welcome and unexpected turn of events.
Oh and that wasn’t even the end of it. I get an email message on Friday night from a co-worker who went to work on another project recently. He is also a talented song writer/singer/musician who I had the chance to critique his music and probably one of the few people he had to give an absolutely honest review. (Something I have always been good at) He actually suggested I hang out with him on the weekend sometime. I think I might actually take him up on it at some point. Let’s just say he has been through some shit too and I’ve been one of the few people to stick up for him in various situations. He’s a good guy, he really is, but sometimes it takes a while for others to see that.
That and I have this knack for seeing the good in people that many others can’t see. It has something I have done all my life. Yes, it has gotten me in trouble too. See my soon to be ex-wife, she is an absolutely wonderful person, but too many times people only see her bad side even her friends. It’s a shame because when you come down to it, she is one of the most loving and wonderful people I have ever come into contact with. My life will certainly lose a crucial element the day she is not a part of it.
So I do have friends, actually better friends than I thought in the wake of perhaps my hardest emotional period in my life. My first marriage, sheesh, that was nothing…I was actually happy when it dropped. I can see clearly now the rain is gone….yeah rainbows and freaking butterflies were alive that day. But here it is my second divorce and it is a far different story. My head is swimming in about twenty directions. Some are healthy, and some not so healthy but as long as I make it through each day and night, I am okay.
Then up pops the question of well, Michael what should you do next? Well I want to write, that’s for sure and a steady stream of blogs can be the first step to me writing about what I want. That’s coming damn it, and that is one of my true gifts. Maybe I suck at relationships (despite my tremendous heart) but I can write and make people feel. But that also gives the question of “Do I want another relationship in my lifetime?” The puzzling answer to that question is actually yes.
I still believe in love. Despite all of the shit I have been through, I do believe that there is love out there, I am just not sure if I am supposed to have it or not. I hope in time a kind soul maybe shows me that it can exist for me instead of just some fantasy scripture for me to lean upon. For the record, I am not good at the whole let’s be friends with benefits. No, my heart gets in the way and either I fall for somebody and dive into it or I just kill it off before it even has a chance to begin. Perhaps in a few months after I get time to mend and take care of things, I can actually get the balls to ask a girl I know out on a date. I always suck at asking girls out in person. Phone or an email, I’m fine…anywhere else, yeah I fall on my face. Or I could do the Michael thing and just never ask any chickadee out and watch them go out and be happy. Yeah that would be typical.
It served me well throughout high school and my first half of college, that’s for sure. Before I found out I have a voice, not just for singing but for talking too. But nobody knew it, many times people still don’t know it. It’s hard to explain. I am a quiet person by nature and often people will mistake that for something else, usually something ugly. Nope, I just usually have nothing to contribute to your drunken filled haze about something I don’t care about :). Okay, that was mean. Here is another thing people might or might not know about me…my hearing is going as I get older. Primarily in the multiple conversations going at once and trying to pick out the right words. So instead of saying about 4,000 huhs…huhs….I just stay quiet. Unfortunately people take this for I’m ignoring you or what not.
I am probably way off topic at this point. I am not even sure what I was writing about in the first place. Ahh yes, that cute girl in gym class. No wait, damn it. See this is what happens when I write at midnight. Of course sitting here, and listening to Jeff’s (my musician friend) music and I have to admit that I am just spacing out. I probably should go to sleep. Then wake up and do the groceries. Which should be simple this week. I ran out of drinks this week and so I’m drinking something called Watermelon Lemonade and it honestly tastes like ass. But that’s what happens when you are around your house most of the week.
Oh right, this week I was supposed to be on vacation. Let’s see Monday, not vacation, I had an installer come in to do porch posts (columns) and a back door. Then I went food shopping on a monday afternoon at Walmart and Kroger. Do these people not have jobs? Seriously. Tuesday, went to the courthouse for the petition and with my wife to her new bank so she could open up an account. Oh also, went to the DMV to renew my license. That’s fun to sit in the line for an hour while people have no clue what they are doing. Wednesday, deal with my wife who becomes very cranky after she takes a nap because doesn’t sleep enough when she comes for another car load. Thankfully, it wasn’t directed at me, just at the fact she hadn’t had a cigarette for like 4 or 5 hours. Thursday, I actually am not doing very much but agonizing over the fact my wife is coming with her brother for the last of her stuff. So I can not even enjoy my time off. And yesterday, I get my car maintenance and work for four hours. Congratulations. Today I didn’t do a damn thing. Now after all of this time.
Well, I am clearly rambling I guess. Time to get some sleep. Perhaps I will dream of a place where a little bit of sunshine grows on trees. That would be awesome. Even for a few hours. Good night kids, and think of me the next time you ask out a girl and she says yes. Actually, if she does..maybe she has a sister too. Okay that’s just creepy. *sigh* Plaid skirts. Good night.
